“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
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Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
Reasons to carry a handkerchief:
3) You’ve never heard of tissues
2) You’re doing a magic trick
1) You’re hiding your face to rob a train
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
shit just got real
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.