Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: Nope, fluff.

Me: SPIDER!

Brain: That is a fly.

Me: SPIDER!!!

Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.

Where did you come from, where did you go?

Where did you come from

Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.

Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.

One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*

BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough

I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.

I have two kinds of followers

I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.

you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house

Was it something I said?

I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.

But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.

WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense

What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?

Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft

When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.

I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog

While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.

But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.

Her: undress me with your words

Him: I just saw a spider go down your top