Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
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I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
A family that plays together cheats.
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
Billy Joel is wearing damp clothes because he didn’t start the dryer
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
SORRY I REPLACED EVERYTHING IN YOUR FIRST AID KIT WITH BAGS OF BEEF JERKY YOU MIGHT BE MAD NOW BUT YOU’LL THANK ME LATER
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
The Wicked Witch was only evil because of her awful sex life. Ladies, you’d be pissed off, too, if getting even a little wet would kill you.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I get it, crocs and socks are not sexy at all, but I wasn’t getting laid in tennis shoes either and this is ridiculously comfortable.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me: