Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, “Sorry. This relationship isn’t working out. You should start seeing other moms.”

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.

*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!

*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad

Me: don’t you want some socks? It’s freezing in here

3 yr old: no

Me: you just want bare feet?

3 yr old: *looks at me weird* no mommy, I have people feet

* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *

Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.

A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster

*rides off into the sunset*

*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*

*rides off into the sunset*

If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store

My doctor using a spatula to peel me off the wax paper.

My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…

-stalker’s

I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.

I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.

Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.

[during sex]

Him: are you on your phone?

Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it

She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?

incredible book dedication

I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.

And my shoes got wet.