changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
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Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
i’m gonna allow it
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one