Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.

[ouija board]

me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now

ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E

me: ….please stop

To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.

“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”

* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

*spins in circles*

*dies*

*gets stuck in corner*

*dies*

*spins in circle*

*dies*

[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”

my lawyer: so, you wish to be cryogenically frozen & you are not to be unthawed until somebody kills that big spider in your bathroom?
me, eating a corn dog: that’s correct, your honor.

ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?

The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.

Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.

[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*

“How are you doing on Depends bud?”

Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had

I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.

Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic

Me: *destroys spider web

Spider: wow

Me: *puts up fake spider web

Spider: WOW

Groceries be like
$5.47
$.89
$4.99
$6.99
$1.25
$1.25

TOTAL: $76.42

You can’t taste a wooden spoon just by looking at a picture

The picture:

If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old

Him: What long nails you have!

Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.

*dating is easy

trying to keep bird watching fair so every other trip I just stand there and let the birds check me out for a bit.
maybe occasionally yell “YOU LIKE FROZEN YOGURT??” so they can learn to spot my mating calls

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….

[carnival]

me: I’d like an elephant!

face painter: on your cheek or…?

me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised

The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.

You say tired, I say challenge.

-A toddler at bedtime.