I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
You can always win an argument if you set them on fire.
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork