Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.

me [sneezes]: excuse me.

guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.

spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”

ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.

HIM: What?

ME: What?

me: ever heard of quasimodo

him: doesn’t ring a bell

me: i assure you he does

Netflix: we added a show you might like

Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like

Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer

Me: go on

Netflix: who fall in love

Me: that sounds ok

Netflix: starring Paul Rudd

Me: *calls in sick*

Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”

If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”

Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am

Step 3: Return to bed

Perfect

Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world

[20 years later]

Boss: ok lift on three

Me: oh shit

This tweet has been deleted

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs

“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”

-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning

Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.

When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”

Is this you?

The First Rule of Menopause Club:

We don’t talk PERIOD.

Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.

one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees