changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
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The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[date shouting over music on the dance floor]:
WHY ARE YOU HOLDING TWO CORN DOGS?
Me: BECAUSE I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH MY HANDS!
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Playing mini-golf with your family is a fun way to spend thirty-two dollars to watch your kid throw 18 tantrums in a row.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
gm
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.