Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”

Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’

when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad

If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.

Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning

[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.

Harvey Dent:

My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.

My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.

Sexting:

Him: What do you like in the bedroom?

Me: Sleeping.

Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?

Me: Close the door on your way out.

Him: No, I meant…

Me: Also lock the door.

Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.

Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*

DHL: Hi! We popped by!
Me: No you didn’t
DHL: But there wasn’t anyone in!
Me: Yes there was
DHL: Would you like us to divert your parcel to a local service point?
Me: *Sigh* fine
DHL: Well we can’t!

5: I cleaned my room.

Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.

5: No. Next time you can do it.

1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.

“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins

Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams

date: I like guys who are not afraid to show their artistic side

me: [to waiter] can I get a crayon and kid’s menu

Do you ever have irrational anger at some random person in your life you will never see again? For me it’s that lady who woke me up for snoring during Cats.

I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer

Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

I’m convinced that thumb wars were created when two guys just about to dance with each other got caught

3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*

Me: What are you doing?!

3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.

I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke

*weighs self after shaving

Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?

Me: I need to find my people

Him: You have a family, we are your people

Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like

reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.

Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.