changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
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I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Just got back from seeing my naturopath and she suggested a treatment plan that involves improved diet and exercise.
The nerve of some health experts.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
I LEFT MY TEDDY IN MY ROOM AND THE HOUSEKEEPER DID THIS??;!;!;!!;!;
Cheer up.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.