Changed my ex’s name in my phone contacts because hearing Siri say, “Your lack of self respect is calling,” while I’m driving is hilarious every single time
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The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Battery falling down a hole
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Right, that’ll keep the plane spotters away from the bottom of the runway, next job…
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
When my daughter asked who I was listening to and I said Eminem and she asked if he is white and I said yes and she said the green ones are best is how I know she’ll change the world.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Asked my allergist to test for kid allergies and she said I can’t be allergic to my kids so that sucked.