Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
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Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Pig Latin is the most delicious of the dead languages
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
i like elevator conversations because i know there’s a time limit
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
…..pretty much.
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?