Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
They ALWAYS scream at you when it’s raining like it’s your fault😂
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
yeah 😭
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
