Changed the office dress code from formal to smart-casual. Staff thought it’s because I want to be a hip, cool boss & make people feel more comfy. That’s not the reason. The reason is that we recently had our eleventh male employee getting his tie trapped in the shredder.
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Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
space horror is the best horror. what’s out there? no one knows! big rocks. creepy things. sticky things. math! stuff on fire. big holes. big holes with math in them.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.