Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
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I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country
Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald’s because fitness is a lifestyle
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
happy valentine’s day to me
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
you’re so productive for your wage
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
Overindulged this afternoon.