Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
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Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
if someone leaves your life it’s often because the actor playing them is getting cancelled in the real world
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
them: ugh, could you be more annoying
me: oh god, yes
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Technically, any crime is a petty crime if you bring your pet to assist you during the crime.