Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
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Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
Time magazine should have a Worst Person of the Year
Dietest Coke
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours