{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
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Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home