*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
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Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
I need to get some bricks…
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE