*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
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I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
I should have peed before I left and other things I’ll never learn: A memoir
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
I am so sick of seeing “IYKYK”
I never know, just tell me
definitely did not do anything wrong
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: yay!
God: you have a very long neck.
Giraffe: so I always know when it’s raining first?
God: uh-sure.
Giraffe: omg I’m a walking weather app!
God: no-
Giraffe: there’s a 10% chance of rain w/55% humidity.
God:
Giraffe: feels like 72 : )