*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
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Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
Not many people know this but memory foam mattresses are made from elephant.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
I translated it for you because it’s just the funniest dialog
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
I have never related to a cat more
I have so many questions.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out