Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.

ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not

If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you

Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.

The waitress at my favorite restaurant is so funny. She’s always saying things like “stop calling me a waitress” and “your father and I think it’s time you moved out.”

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.

There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”

Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

wife: did you get the kids from daycare?

me: we don’t have any kids

wife: yeah you were supposed to get some

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: disappointing people

professor x: I was expecting a much better answer

me: see?

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”

There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.

turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves

Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*

I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.

(Invention of the necktie)

I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.

Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.