Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.

[princess gets captured in a castle]

[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.

I should not have taken this before my big rap battle

Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g

I occasionally drink every single night.

You know for a fact Wolverine is the designated onion dicer at X-mansion while Nightcrawler takes the trash out.

I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC

So I ate some gummy bears.

Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.

I ate exactly 37…

*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

I’m nearly qualified to be a weaver. My final exam is looming.

1) Second. 2) Minute. 3) Hour. 4) Day. 5) Week. 6) Month. 7) Year. 8) Decade. 9) Century. 10) Millennium. 11) Women buying clothes.

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…

Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.

Single Men say: Yes

Married Men: Try to hide

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it

to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.

Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’

Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’

My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?

she died doing what she loved: looking at her phone while crossing the street

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me: