*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
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Me: look who came by for a little sucky sucky
Vampire: don’t say it like that
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I clicked on 1 picture of Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. Now my entire timeline is Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. My family has been replaced by Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The only words I know are Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan. The concept of time is now Jack Lowden & Saoirse Ronan
I’m buying a gallon of organic milk and now I don’t know how to tell my family that I’m out of money for Christmas gifts
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers