*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
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My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
I know
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Lazy ghosts really expect us to get in the car and travel to a haunted house to see them when they could easily just materialize in our homes. I get it Edith you’re more comfortable in an old Victorian manor never going to get unstuck from between realms if you don’t do the work
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.