*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
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Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
Still not over my son telling me the toilet was smoking, and I rushed upstairs to this
I’m not alone. I have ants.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
boy: i hate being poor
grandpa: were going to fun factory
mr chocolate: hello naughty children its murder time
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.