Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.

So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.

Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”

I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.

What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty

I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters

Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?

Amazon: It’s 15% off.

Me: Well, in that case…

When you’re on the couch being all comfy, snuggled under a blanket, a glass of wine on your left, a bag of chips on your right, the cat is sleeping on your lap, and you realize you forgot to put the remote within reach.

That’s the moment you wish you had kids.

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

Good thing he found a cart, because that looks really heavy.

We’re all lucky we didnt grow up in medieval times because most court jesters were murdered.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.

Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.

To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.

You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore

Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?