It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
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I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*Snoop walks into a classroom*
Snoop: Tell me about the Big Bong Theory
Teacher: It’s the Big Bang Theory
*Snoops walks out disappointed*
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
No, he would not have.