
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
*Snoop walks into a classroom*
Snoop: Tell me about the Big Bong Theory
Teacher: It’s the Big Bang Theory
*Snoops walks out disappointed*
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
No, he would not have.