*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
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me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
I caught my nephew doing drugs with me last night.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”