*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again

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Stop asking me to vote for your kid in contests. I’m too nice of a person to tell you I’m surprised you got laid in the first place.


William Shakespeare’s rapper name would be Playbill Shakes


math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am


I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.


If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.


the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym


I can never remember if my best foot is supposed to go forward or in my mouth.


My love for my kids is like my data plan:

Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.


DATE: So what do you do?

ME (a night watchman): I’m a night—

DATE: I hope it’s something thrilling

ME: —shyamalan