*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
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my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
who’s gonna tell her?
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
ME: I can’t believe he ruined my life.
THERAPIST: Who?
ME: *points at myself* This idiot.
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms