Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE

her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church

him: see you there

[at the church]

her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples

him: ahh fine

Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?

When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?

After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic

I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.

It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.

If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either

If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.

I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.

ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me

No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.

Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.

Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

Naked and Afraid,

but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately

I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.

[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]

Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?

Me: ok, fine

SO: don’t get bit!

Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!

DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.