Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.

He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents

When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”

the #horror is real!

Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.

Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”

Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.

I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae

I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation

Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?

Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.

*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.

My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?

Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-

My wife: I understand.

How we’re different…

You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.

I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

bank account: $1400

me to a girl scout: give me the thick mints

11,780 cans of beans on the wall…

I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.

INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No

A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels

Me: is there anything on my face

Him: no you’re good

[15 minutes later]

Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair

Him: you didn’t ask about your hair

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory