Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
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[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
Every time my phone rings tomorrow I’m going to answer it with “911, what’s your emergency?”
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
i wish i could marry a nap
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?