Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: Give me one example.

Me: ALL the times.

Husband: Those don’t count.

without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth

interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop

suspect: you mean bad cop?

interrogator: no

suspect: i confess.

team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special

meowth: hey

team rocket: we need it

meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk

team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do

Meowth: guys

team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love

Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

I tell people “I’m not looking for anything serious” because I’m hunting clowns.

*plane crashes in ocean*
*washes ashore island*
*imprisoned by crabs*
*rises to become Crab Emperor*
*assassinated by most trustworthy crab*

Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?

NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.

Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”

INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?

ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?

I: um no that’s not

ME: I bet they use a puppercut

Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:

I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there

Me: please give my compliments to the chef

[later]

Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes

[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway

Voodoo map

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.

Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.

I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.

me: ugh I hate when the bank is crowded like this

[outside]

getaway driver: did he just get in line

It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.

You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.

Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.

Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.

My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.