Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
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Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
Hey I bet if lumberjacks had a dating app it’d be called Timber. And I bet also that if beavers had a dating app it’d also be called Timber. And I even bet—hell, I’m willing to say it—I bet if pirates had a dating app it’d be called Timber, too. You know as in shiver me
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“Your beard really brings out your jawline” isn’t an appropriate compliment to put in her Valentine’s Day card, apparently!
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.