Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.

I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.

Or at least I am.

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans

a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.

Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?

me: well, I am not certain but

Tough love is true love

Just rolled a joint. Not to get high or anything. It was just my ankle

My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today

Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting

I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

“the angry hot sky ball is gone…”
🖤🤣

My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.

I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”

I’m tired tomorrow.

Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months

Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.

If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!