Changing my voicemail to “Please don’t call me, I don’t use my phone for that”
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Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname