*changing sex positions*
ok now let’s do a silly one
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I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
probably should have split this into two separate stories guys
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
early stone age tool
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway
*hears a sound*
haha lol wat if its a ghost
*5 hours later*
wwhat if it was a ghost
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Sisyphus rolling the boulder up the hill and watching it roll back down again but it’s me muting advertisers on this app.
we could create a chicken alfredo coffee flavor we have the technology
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy