*changing sex positions*
ok now let’s do a silly one
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There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I used to blame all my problems on my parents, but now that I’m a grown up, I have come to terms with the fact that when bad things happen to me, it’s probably just that Mercury’s in retrograde again.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Boss: Any ideas to make the workplace better
Me: Alcohol would be nice
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
A billionaire has built a submersible, saying he wants to prove it’s still safe to visit the Titanic. Somebody tell these guys it wasn’t even safe to be ON the Titanic!
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
For Lent, I’ve decided to stop murdering drifters in the woods off 495.
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.