Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
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If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽♀️😭
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.
“bury me loose” will never ever be bested 😭
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.