Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house

me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?

friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.

me: ooh how often do you water that.

The joke is on this spin class instructor.

My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.

Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?

Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.

Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”

6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”

*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*

8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”

First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.

why did I just deep clean my entire apartment before the john mulaney and chappell roan saturday night live episode like they’re physically coming over

Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u

Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?

Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

These teenagers down at the skate park will boost my self-esteem.

you will never know the true number of layers

Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise

If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works

Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.

My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?

Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!

Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.

Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.

9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.

Naps are like gambling for the tired. You either wake up refreshed or wake up the next day to lots of angry texts.

Day 4. They suspect nothing.

It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.

ME: And a third pair of skinny corduroys.

GENIE: Lol, you’re not very good at this are you?

[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much