Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
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Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
Lifting up my shirt outside the piercing place as a cautionary tale of what a formerly-pierced belly button can look like after pregnancy
[God making bears]
God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging
Angel: Aww
God: Hugs that will kill people
Angel: Wtf?!
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
They should have made a pool raft that looked like a broken door when Titanic was in theaters.
I bet it would have sold millions.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[first day as pilot]
Me (on intercom): if you look to your right you’ll see the Pacific Ocean. And to your left also the Pacific Ocean. Above you is the Pacific Ocean.
*blasts Ride of the Valkyries as I fly over your house pooping*
no one:
coworker at a part time job you’ve known for one calendar day: so remember when I told you about that guy I’ve been texting Brian well anyway I hooked up with his roommate just to see what he’d do and lemme just read you this text I got from him just now ok so he goes,
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
“Hell yeah Trump got impeached looks like he’s finally out of office!”
*Deletes tweet*
*2 minutes later*
“Wow none of you know what impeachment means the senate still has to vote before he’s removed from office go take a college course”
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.