Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying