channeling her this year
You Might Also Like
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Watermelon Boss!
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
Got a light
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
The next James Bond should be played by a duck. But not a female duck, obviously. That would be unrealistic.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Fun Fact:
Cat burglars have the highest recidivism of any criminal. As soon as they get out of prison, they want back in. And back out, and back in, and back out…
a bathrobe is being naked with plausible deniability and pockets.
I love kids…But stop making me hold your baby. Why are you letting people touch your new born?!?
I don’t let people touch my new iPhone
MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist
LOUIS: uh, race car driver
ME: that too
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.