channeling her this year
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Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
me irl
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
chews marshmallows with bovine intensity
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
who called it hell and not heaven’t
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?