channeling her this year
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Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
People who genetically engineer food, why don’t you make celery that tastes like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups? I bet that would shut people up
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
“Steak and Shake” great burgers and also a good way to kill baby vampires.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
If someone specifies that you’re book-smart and not street-smart or street-smart but not book-smart, they’re calling you stupid.