channeling her this year
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(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
wife: I wish you’d quit breaking wind at the dinner table
me: *judo chopping the air* champions are always training
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
*sips coffee*
*thinks to myself as I walk away*
Carol seems grumpy today…
*takes another sip from Starbucks cup that says “Carol”*
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
when you are just born a rebel
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.