Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..

I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Me: “watching an exercise reel on instagram” I could do that

My body: are you serious? have you seen us?

Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.

The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.

“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”

Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.

me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?

copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.

My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.

Deadpool was Green Lantern

Batman was Daredevil

Captain America was Human Torch

And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through

Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.

OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?

ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex

Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”

The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.

me as a teen: chapstick is stupid

me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!

Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.

A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.

me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me

My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”