Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
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This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
Date: Once I dated a guy who wore those sneakers that light up when you walk lmao
Me *daren’t move* haha what a loser
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
What did I do to upset the TikTok algorithm and why does it keep showing me cottage cheese recipes?!
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
August 9th is Book Lovers Day! Not to brag but I once wrote a book on pizza. My publisher suggested I use paper next time.
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
pat pat
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
omg leave her alone
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.