Chaos ensues as I try to stop my 3yo from falling off the couch. My 5yo runs into the room and screams bloody murder. She stops and goes:
“Sorry. I didn’t know what was going on, so I just started screaming”
And it’s like, indeed, my little love; you’ve just described Twitter
Would you wear it?
I told 14 to put the towels from the washer to the dryer 4 hours ago. I asked an hour ago if he did and he said yes.
He never turned the dryer on. I guess that shit’s on me for not specifying.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
My zodiac sign is pistachio
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
