Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
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My husband is the do-it-yourself type. I asked him to take out the garbage and he said, “do it yourself.”
My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Please. Old people. When you comment on a Facebook pic you don’t need to end with Love, James. WE CAN SEE YOUR NAME YOU’RE NOT AN OSTRICH
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
Proctologist = Analyst
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”
That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
I’ve started listening to audiobooks and I have to say it’s much easier than listening to physical books.
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.