Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
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“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me and the dogs are watching a Tom and Jerry cartoon. They appreciate the blue and yellow hues, and I like the orchestral score, but we’re not buying the improbable plot twists and we bemoan the lack of character depth
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.