Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.

~inventor of cereal bags probably

Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
 
Him: don’t you mean desert?
 
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}

My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”

Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.

The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.

I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

Going to start a dating site for bald people that’s completely free.

You don’t have toupee.

*7 talking to my father*

7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?

They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.

I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.

Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!

Fatted Calf: This cannot be good

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

So Canada gets an entire day? What about Narnia or Middle-Earth or Westeros or other made up places #CanadaDay

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.

I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.

Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.

Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.

Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.

Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.

(more comics:

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-

Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?

5-year-old: A baby.

Woman: What kind of baby?

5-year-old: A human one.

Nailed it.

You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.

(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.