Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????

*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.

[in car on a road trip]

Me (checks clock): 5:07

*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*

Me (checks clock): 5:08

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

Love a good morning stretch that turns into an involuntary pterodactyl screech

My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)

OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE

(one second later)

We’re getting a correction from the brain:

it is the world’s tiniest moth

Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?

Me:…

First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.

paramedic: [shining light into my eyes] what’s the last thing you remember

me: the question you just asked

[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*

MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.

I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”

If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.

Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint

Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-

People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE

Meterologist: But science

People: NO

My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

*pounding on her chest*

DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!

*pounds harder*

(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!

CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.

“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

I slept in until 9:30 this morning. But don’t be too jealous because I did it wrong and now I can’t look to the left.

Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.

A lot of tenors look like they’re watching a T-Rex eat a kitten while they’re singing, but not ol’ Pavarotti. He looked like he was trying to remember where he parked his car.

Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

I think young people aren’t hooking up as much bc you can watch videos on your phone now anywhere. In my day you had to ask someone to go back to your room to watch a funny video on your laptop. Then you watched all 6 funny videos on YouTube and were like “I guess we could kiss?”