Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it

FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok

My wife texted me asking which rug would look best with our floors so now I’m frantically scrolling through her old texts hoping that at some point she’s texted pictures of what our floors look like.

I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.

if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run

PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.

Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok

They’ve got a tiger running loose in Atlanta and I won’t take out the garbage if there’s a moth on the screen door.

“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”

* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris

My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles

detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding

me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where

My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.

My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.

8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?

Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.

8: Never mind.

I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…

Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone

My phone: Yeah, you crack me up

A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.

Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in

I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.

[while house is on fire]

Firefighter: wake up ma’am, your house is on fire.

Me: can’t you see I’m sleeping?

F: but the house is on fire.

Me: 9 out of 10 people wish to die while sleeping, and we’re most likely to die at 11 am *looks at clock* You just ruined a perfect death.

Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.

*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries