kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
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Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
Close call…
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Iceland has a population smaller than Tampa yet we let them sit there at the UN all smug. Always bragging about how they have cured their society of like IBS and it turns out the one guy who had it just moved away.
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
[first day on bomb squad]
blue red yada yada yada i get the gist
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
18yo is deliberately putting the cutlery in the wrong places in the drawer when he puts them away. So I’ve put some of his game discs in the wrong boxes. Let’s see who’s head explodes first.