Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You may think no one is there for you, but there’s laundry. Laundry is always there for you

[During sex]

ME: Am I making you wet?

HER: Yes

ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying

The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.

very niche meme I made

DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!

ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

three things we don’t talk about

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”

Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”

Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.

[1st date]

HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?

ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives

Refusing to attend my brother’s gambling intervention until they agree to call it a slot shaming

me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT

Struck by her beauty, Issac Newton leans in for a kiss. He receives an equal, but opposite, reaction.

Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?

Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.

[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.

If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.

Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.

Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07

starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks

cyclists

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.

I’ve yet to find the village where people help you raise your kids

Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.