Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
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[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
This is my cat’s medicine.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
That’s not how days work.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*