Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
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I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
For when Tinder doesn’t work
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Guys I’ve run some math on it and this whole Santa business is truly bananas.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.