Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
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Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER
As a parent, you expect to find chicken nuggets or dirty socks in strange places, but you never forget the first time you find chicken nuggets inside dirty socks.
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson
To the lady in the black BMW who stuck up two fingers at me after I beeped at her when pulling out of Waitrose car park just now:
Your Louis Vuitton handbag probably isn’t on your car roof anymore.
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
Millennial weddings be like “what do you mean you have to go home already? We’ve only been screaming Fall Out Boy songs at each other for four hours and the midnight pizza isn’t even here yet. You’re going to miss the sparkler exit!”
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
My family gathered to speak to me about my obsession with the Greek gods. Call it divine intervention.
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆