Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Justin Trudeau will appear on Late Night with Stephen Colbert. They’re getting together to reminisce about how people used to like them
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me
Nothing good happens on the credit card after midnight.
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Me:*Gently nudges your arm*
Would you like to be my Valentine?
Doctor: Can we discuss this after your colonoscopy?
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.