charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
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*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Instagram is going to be wild when Millenials start scheduling their colonoscopies.
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
I see your IQ test came back negative
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
Nothing brings a large group of neighbors together like something that’s none of their business.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
[cruise]
Me: boats freak me out
Wife: listen to some music
M: how
W: there’s a band on ship
M: a what
W: a band on ship
M: *jumps overboard*
That time a cat set off an atomic bomb in my coffee
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
We’re actual apes on a rock hurling through space right now, and that’s why I’m not giving you my email to buy this
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I never learned to swim because I didn’t think it would ever be more than an hour since I last ate
HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?
Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description