Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.

I’ve fallen on some hard Times.

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.

online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”

I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood

It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites

Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me

PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.

there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories

A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.

Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point

SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow

[last day of creative writing class]

“are u ready to name ur band?”

Dave Matthews: u bet i am

I block people for being stupid.

…I block a lot of people.

You can’t offend me I have teenagers.

I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.

My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”

If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.

Surely it must be just Zealand by now.

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.

If you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses people will think you know what you’re talking about.