Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner

Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate

[job interview]

him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol

[at mall]
Husband: *pointing at a girl’s huge clunky sneakers* I’d probably divorce you if you wore those.

Me: *asks girl where she got her shoes*

grandpa said he didn’t want a fuss

If all the prison guards agree to count the inmates, it’s a con census consensus.

[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys

The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic

If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.

76 vanilla wafers later.

“I don’t like these.”

Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.

Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.

Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.

Netflix asked if I was still watching Barbie Dreamhouse Adventures and I clicked continue watching and then realised none of the kids had been in the room for at least half an hour

In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics

Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.

Her: I don’t believe I threw it.

[first day on bomb squad]

blue red yada yada yada i get the gist

I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.

Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.

Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.

annoying that i have to flush three times to get rid of all my billiard balls

I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never