charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
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Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
“Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend–STOP SCREAMING, I’M ASKING THEM”
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?
Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
making sure he doesnt get away
