Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
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Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
I think police forgot which organized group of white dudes with shaved heads they are.
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & jumped over a hedge
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a wall with leaves
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]