* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
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I believe the plural is “milves.”
Stop saying I’m crazy. You’re starting to sound like the waffle iron.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.