Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
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My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Lucky old June.