@sixthformpoet

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory is my favourite book about a weird guy who murders four children then convinces another to live with him.

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@radalias

This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form

@ericsshadow

Doctor: How long ago did you injure your shoulder?

Women: 9:45am on Monday at work

Men: Sometime between yesterday and 2002

@jaeIeon

I remember when I was a kid I could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of chips 2 candy bars 6 packs of starburst and a cold drink. nowadays they got cameras everywhere

@simoncholland

I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.

@Browtweaten

me: any clue how my house burned down

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

@HansGrubertron

[joins a conga line]

me: I can leave any time I like

[someone joins behind]

me: oh no

@anylaurie16

jokes don’t kill people, people who don’t get jokes kill people.

@alexlumaga

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes