Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
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“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
this can’t be the same pay my coworkers are raising 3 kids with 🥲
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.