Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
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{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Never once has a guy said, “She’s cute but I wish her eyelashes would be so big they’d weigh down her eyelids”
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
If your dog doesn’t have a middle name how will they know when you’re mad at them when you call them?
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
just gave your address to some spiders
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.